One WORD that changed my LIFE

The world has seen a reasonable spike in the number of people experiencing "depression" & "anxiety". Symptoms can be anything from excessive diet to loss of diet, sadness, mood swings and many more reasons that would make you feel like you are not as happy as you were last year or maybe 2 years back. 

It's been 4 months that I have been diagnosed with 'depression'. Though, when the doctor asked me when did you feel like this the first time. I told him that it happened 7 months back when I had to first deal with this problem and that is the day I really don't want to remember. It was such a low point in my life that I did not even want to talk about it. I could not get out of the bed, I said no to my friends and even if they wanted to meet me qat my house, I would not come out of my room to meet them. It went to that extent that I always said no to family trips, picnics and I would just be alone in the house while everyone would go out and enjoy.

2 months into this problem, I started to see a change in my behavior as I got really aggressive. Even to a slightest of thing, I would react in a way that my whole family would get scared of me. And at night, I would realize that what I have done is wrong. But again my same behavior would continue in the day time. My family was getting really worried about my behavior and how my eating habits are going from bad to worse. 

That was the time I started to get the thoughts that I would never even dream of. Thoughts like - Was I a burden to my family & friends? Am I even worthy of having around? or Am I even the man that I wanted to be? 

Suddenly a day came when I woke up at 5 am in the morning and just left my home. I started to walk and just walk like I never had a home. I was just walking till my feet starting to hurt a lot and then I just stopped by a roadside park as I sat on the bench, just watching people having fun. The time was 11AM and my family was really worried. I got back home around 1PM when my brother found me on my way back home. It was chaos at home and I just locked myself at home.

And then I realized, I needed some professional help. I went to a friend of mine, who is a doctor and told her everything. Whether I was crying or anything, she heard me patiently and did not tell me those stereotypical things like 'Man up', which are usually told to men. That was the day when my treatment actually started because I realized talking about it really helped me. 

My family got to know about my condition and I am so glad that they told me to speak about it openly because we are here for you. I won't deny that some people did leave me when I needed them the most but having family by my side was such a blessing. One more person that I would like to mention is my friend, to who I call 'Vampire Girl'. She has been in my life for 5 years and has seen me at my best & at my worst too. But she never left my side. She would stay up with me till late hours so that I am not alone. She would not leave me for even half an hour so that some bad thoughts come in my mind. She has been the 'best thing that has ever happened to me' and I am glad that she is my best friend. 

I have had my share of toxic friendships. And still have some people who don't care about me & my condition but I have taken my attention away from them and took that attention to the people who actually matter. 

I saw a change in myself in the next 2 months, I was a bit optimistic. Some positivity came into my mind and I used to speak about my condition to others. I am now in a happy place and most importantly I am in a happy place with myself. 

This will-power came with the determination of being alright and this will power has led to me to the 'road to recovery'. I am not 100% cured, I still suffer from mild depression and it will take some more time to reach the finish line. But I am getting closer to it. Sometimes it still takes me to a spot where it is all darkness for me but still, it has stopped to a great extent. I promised myself that I will conquer it in time. 

For those who have been facing this problem, I just have to say one thing - 

"Only you know what you are going through but that doesn't mean you need to keep it in yourself. Tell whatever you are feeling to your family, friends or anyone you can confide to. When the time is right, just speak about yourself. Always remember, you are a beautiful human being & if you ever want to talk to someone you can always talk to me."

Just walk with your head held up high. The dark tunnel is about to end for you. 

52 DAYS THAT CHANGED ME!

It has been a while that I have written something. Have been busy in so many things that I forgot one thing that I used to love a lot - "writing". There have been many changes in my life if we talk about these 2-3 months. 

A new addition to our family is coming soon, for which the whole family is eagerly waiting. Tried my hand in doing 'LIVE Commentary' for Cricket and surprisingly, people have been really sweet & kind in accepting in that role. Never knew that someone would say, "you are better than Aakash Chopra", even if it was a joke, I would take that joke a million times. 

My first Indian Premier League (IPL) as a commentator was pretty amazing. Got to meet cricketers, who we used to see on the telly. Sat with them, spoke about the game while sitting beside them. Let me take you through what that meant for me. 

So, IPL is a festival of cricket and as a Cricket Journalist, this holy grail for us. My team-leader thought that I was suitable to be in front of the camera talking about some technicalities of the sport. Not just the technicalities, but to entertain people on YouTube with some banter, chit chat and also the updates. 

I was really excited. The day came and I was sitting in front of the camera, talking about a game which was my dream. I won't lie, the reception, at first sight, was not that sweet. Some people said, "he is so fat", "why is this fat guy speaking about cricket? I look better than that" and much more. But I knew this was coming. Took a long breath and started to speak about the game. People got interested in what I had to offer. 

People got to know me. And it was a good feeling for me. So, one day, I came in the middle of the match and a viewer just commented, "Motu Sir, How are you? I was waiting for you". That was really great for me. Now you see, that comment had no intention of hurting me. He was calling me in a good way and I took it sportingly by giving him an answer. But I never thought that it would become a rage for that day. 

People started commenting "#MotuSir" on that LIVE video. When it was counted, a total of 600 times "#MotuSir" was commented during that LIVE coverage, with people appreciating what I had to tell. Now, this was new to me. Though, being a person who is not new to the stage and performing, this was something new for me.

But the best thing about all this was that all the seniors, let me take their names Saurav Yaduvanshi and Kartikey Sinha, really supported me and said, "You are going to get all kinds of comments but all you need to do is keep them aside. Whether good or bad, just do your work, and don't get distracted". Some would believe that how can they say this, but I know, what that meant. They wanted me to start slowly and keep on learning as you cover this tournament day by day. 

I was really lucky to have these guys as mentors. 

Then, I had some really amazing colleagues. Wali Siddiqui and Abhishek Pandey have been like brothers to me. They always had my back and when I needed them the most, they were beside me. But this was just the start. We had to do this grueling work for almost 52 days, without even a single break. Now, that's some challenge. 

Started to take it slowly and match by match. Going with the flow and it helped me a lot in learning thing that I would not have in my earlier jobs. Sometimes just two people had to sit for 4 hours straight to speak about a game. Now, it looks easy, but believe me, it isn't. 

But what impacted the most was my 'social life'. Was unable to go out, was unable to meet family for a longer period of time. I used to leave for office at 12 pm and would reach home around 1 am. It is used to get really hectic. 

Friends and relatives were actually asking me "where have you been?" and I was even unable to answer those messages. Not because I did not want to, it is all because it was getting too hectic for me. Still, I tried my best to be in touch with most of the people and those who did not approve of my work, I had to say goodbye to them because this was building negativity in my life and I did not want that. 

Halfway through the tournament, and I am feeling the heat now. It was getting too hard for all of us to continue. But still, we were seeing the faces and the passion with which people were working and it was one of the reasons which actually gave us some amount of energy to carry on. 

If you feel, it was all fairytale, then you are wrong. There were times when people got angry, quarrels happened but we all knew it was all because of working 12-14 hours a day for over 50 days straight. There were times when you just wanted to say, "That's It, I don't wanna know do it now. I need a break". But then I realized that it was all worth it. I was learning new things and I was getting better at that, which was really amazing for me.  

The second half of the tournament was getting intense. Close games, last ball finishes and it was getting exciting. And at that exact moment, I actually lost my voice. It was too hard to even speak and get excited for moments which needed my utmost excitement. 

I got pumped and carried the work on. I did not want this excuse to hold me and what I got was really fruitful. People seeing us got to know, that I have lost my voice. They started to comment, "Well done, Motu Sir. We love your commitment", "Your voice is gone, but you are still here, Hats off Aayush". This made me even better and I got the power to make it through.  

On the day of the finals, I was so happy that my favorite team got to the summit clash. The excitement was on its prime. It was the day of everything that we dreamt of, something that we built was coming to an end and we hoped that it ended well. 

People were commenting 'Thank you' messages for all of us that we brought all the updates to them. They were asking questions, "Will you guys be coming for the World Cup?". It was such an amazing end to what felt like something that we have achieved. 

There were smiles all around, people were hugging each other for all the accomplishments that we achieved in these 52 days. When we took our steps outside the office, we had a sense of accomplishment in our minds & hearts. 

I have seen so much in these 52 days and I would like to take this opportunity to 'Thank' every single person who supported me & my team in this grueling yet amazing time in my professional career. 

                                   (The Whole 'Sports Flashes' team)

But this is not going to END now, the WORLD CUP is the next step. And we will be bouncing back, even stronger.